Jaken's Nightmare of a Sue
by TormentingAllLemmings
Summary: A parody of Sues in the Inuyasha universe. Rated for suggestive theme and !Sue!violence! Second in my Nightmare of a Sue parodies. ONESHOT.


Summery: The second in my "Nightmare of a Sue" parodies. Any discrepencies in discription or anything is INTENTIONAL, since this IS a Sue, after all.

Warning: Be prepared for idocy abound...And I apologize in advance to anyone who's a Texas cheerleader - my streotype WAS intentional.

Disclaimer: I don't own Inuyasha, but I own my Sues (sadly) and the plot (sadder).

* * *

"Something isn't right…" Sesshomaru mused, sniffing the air. Suddenly, the overwhelming urge to forgive his mutt of a half-brother and become one, big, happy family filled him, and his soul was filled with horror. 

"Me Lord?" Jaken ventured to ask. The next moment later, he was surprised when Sesshomaru scooped him up in a big hug, a large grin on the usually-cold taiyoukai's face.

"Master Jaken, is there something wrong with Lord Sesshomaru?" Rin asked curiously, immune to the Sue's presence.

"There is a…a Mary-Sue nearby!" Jaken gasped, wriggling away from !podSesshomaru!'s embrace, and leaving him to hug Rin instead, who only seemed confused.

* * *

Venturing away from their small camp, Jaken was dismayed to see that Inuyasha and his group were only a few miles away. Peering into their camp through the bushes, Jaken squinted his eyes, trying to assure himself that he wasn't insane yet. 

!podSango! and !podMiroku! were giggling like schoolgirls together, and were scooting farther and farther towards the brush. Jaken suppressed the urge to heave, and forced himself to survey the rest of the scene. The kitsune pup, Shippo, seemed to be normal enough, but…

!podKikyo! was singing happily, cooking some fish, while !podKagome! joined her brightly. The dead miko appeared to have forgotten all about her vendetta with Inuyasha and her reincarnation, and looked no smarter than a blond cheerleader at Texas University.

!podKagome, for her part, _also_ seemed to have forgotten about Inuyasha – whom she apparently loved and grew ridiculously jealous whenever Kikyo was nearby – and furthermore, looked like she was best friends with !podKikyo, of all things.

But this was not the end of the horror for Jaken. !podInuyasha! was curled up in a tree, as a busty demon – or human, maybe? – or both? Jaken gave up trying to figure it out, Sues were beyond his comprehension – crooned in his ear.

Jaken stumbled away from the scene, his face frozen in a horrified expression.

"_I must find Lord Sesshomaru and protect him!"_ he thought frantically, and raced back toward their camp.

* * *

Jaken skidded to a stop a few feet away from the camp, and almost died on the spot as he surveyed the scene before him. 

Rin, who was apparently conveniently left out of the scene suddenly, was gone. !podSesshomaru! was sitting on the ground, an expression of both lust and love – which confused the lackey, who knew his lord to despise such emotions – on his face.

A blond female crouched next to him, her clothing barely qualifying to keep their job. Her bight, sparkly eyes shone in anticipation of what must be coming.

Jaken blinked rapidly, and then shivered when the female's eyes, full of dark sorrow and mystery, turned toward him. She dismissed him without another thought, and went back to, ah – _ministrating_ to !podSesshomaru!'s needs.

The poor toad youkai was now in over his head, and frantically thought of who he could possibly turn to for help against a Sue! Suddenly, a thought formed in his mind, which he initially turned away in disgust, but came to realize it was his only recourse.

* * *

"Wh-where is this place?" he wondered, stumbling into a rather dark and dreary area. 

"This is the place where I am frequently condemned to by the Sues until I am needed," a voice said dryly, and a baboon pelt appeared in front of Jaken, who yelped in surprise.

"Na-Naraku!" he gasped, regaining his composure, "You are unaffected?"

"So far," he nodded, and looked around warily. "Soon enough, I will be forced to one of two common fates – I shall either remain the evil villain I am, and die mercifully, or I shall be _redeemed_ by one of the damned Sues, and made into her sex slave."

Jaken, grateful that most Sues barely even noticed him, sighed.

"I seek your – where is the wind sorceress?" he asked abruptly, looking around.

"She is already gone, I'm afraid. She fought the Sue, and lost."

"I seek you help in defeating the Sues!" Jaken squeaked, "They have already taken over Lord Sesshomaru and Inuyasha! You are most likely next!"

"I see," Naraku mused for a moment, and then uncharacteristically cheered. As Jaken cowered in terror, he resumed his usual appearance. "Forgive me – seeing a way to escape the Sues overwhelmed me," Naraku apologized, and then stalked away, Jaken hurriedly following. "First, we will free the hanyou…"

* * *

The Sue's hair shone like fire in the dawn, and she faced Naraku and Jaken with her liquid jewel-like eyes fiercely. 

"Your flashing eyes and Sue powers shall not harm me!" Naraku informed her angrily, as her…something, Jaken wasn't quite sure what her weapons were – shot towards them.

"Feel the power of my Staff of Two Heads!" Jaken shouted, shooting fire at her as Naraku blocked the threats easily enough. As the Sue was distracted by Jaken's fire, Naraku moved in for the kill.

However, the influence of the Sue had dissipated, and the others were slowly returning to normal. Sango and Miroku emerged from the bushes, Sango looking pissed off.

"W-wait!" Miroku pleaded, as she chased after him. Kagome began to shriek at Kikyo, who promptly glared at them all and floated away with her soul-collectors.

"You…you…you stupid hanyou! _SITSITSITSITSIT!_" Kagome screamed, and Inuyasha was pounded into the ground. Turning to the Sue, Kagome stalked up to her, and Naraku and Jaken backed off from the furious female.

"Oh no!" the Sue cried, realizing that all was lost as Kagome began to stab her with a purification arrow. The two demons winced, and quickly retreated.

* * *

"Oh, Lord Sesshomaru…" Jaken sobbed at seeing his master so ridiculous, without any dignity at all. The Sue gazed at them triumphantly, but Naraku only smirked. 

"Your time has past, Sue," he said grimly, and Jaken raced toward his master eagerly. The Sue lunged toward Naraku, suddenly growing into a multi-colored huge dog, bigger than Inutaisho and Sesshomaru put together, her eyes flashing dangerously.

Naraku dodged her initial attack, and pierced her heart with one of his tentacles. Jaken watched in happiness as the Sue began to disintegrate, her ashes floating away with the wind.

"Jaken," Sesshomaru said calmly, and the toad turned toward the taiyoukai eagerly.

"Yes, me lord?"

Sesshomaru promptly stepped on him as he stood up, and then looked around carelessly. "Rin. Come," he called. The little girl skipped toward them happily, and then glanced at Jaken worriedly. "Will master Jaken be okay?"

Sesshomaru remained silent, and merely turned away. Naraku had disappeared into the shadows, and Jaken sighed in relief, grateful that this Sue threat had been averted.

* * *

Bad, yes - but funny? At all? If anyone likes this, my next target will be...well, suggestions would be nice, actually. 


End file.
